The Offical Assassin Answering Machine
by Skeletorian
Summary: Everything is permitted...Leave a message. A simple idea i had and wanted to try.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first AC story. I got this idea from another story I read recently. Reviews are welcome. Flames…well I don't like them. And now a brief message from my sponsor.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Assassin's Creed in any way, shape or form. Thank you.**

_Altair's Answering Machine_

Everything is permitted. Leave a message after the beep.

**(Beep)**

1. This is Al Mualim give me back my god damn apple. I'm hungry.

**(Beep)**

2. Assassin you will die tomorrow after I pick up my laundry.

**(Beep)**

3. Pick up. Robert de Sable is pregnant.

**(Beep)**

4. About the last message, it was for Al Mualim sorry.

**(Beep)**

5. I'm back from the dead and ready to kill you know.

**(Beep)**

6. Yeah dude. This is your uhhhhhh well whatever. This is Desmond what's up?

**(Beep)**

7. Desmond what did I tell you about using the animus. Please excuse him.

**(Beep)**

8. Yo Altair I need help killing this hillbilly down the road.

**(Beep)**

9. Hey you still ready for the disco tonight.

**(Beep)**

10. This is Spartan 117…. Wrong number.

**(Beep)**

11. WAKKA this is MARIO WAHOO

**(Beep)**

12. This is subject 16. Don't tell Vidic I was here.

**(Beep)**

13. I RANDOM TEMPLAR GUARD RAWWWWWWR.

**(Beep)**

14. "caw" this is the eagle that you see on top of towers.

**(Beep)**

15. ASSASSINO….oops wrong time period.

**(Beep)**

Altair walks into his front door. He goes to his phone and clicks a button. "You have 15 new targets acquired" and he began listening to his messages.

**Well I could make this longer next time. But I just wanted to see what people might say. UNTIL NEXT TIME.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Well first I would like to say thanks for the reviews everyone. And seeing as I got reviews, I proudly present the second installment to the Assassin Hotline.**

_Altair's Answering Machine_

Altair had just finished listening to his messages. "I do not get paid enough to deal with this. Might as well kill that random hillbilly, I have nothing better to do." He said and left his house.

**(Beep)**

16. _(Fan girl scream) _Altair I love you.

**(Beep)**

17. Altair I need to know if you're making a guest appearance at my sweet 16 party.

**(Beep)**

18. Remember how you said not to teepee your house…. well it sorta got out of hand.

**(Beep)**

19. Uh yeah remember how you said not to throw your horse into the river off of a bridge…..

**(Beep)**

19. Damn it Altair, I want by apple back.  
**(Beep)**

20. This is Desmond again and well the bleeding affect is giving me headaches. And I'm blaming you because of it.

**(Beep)**

21. Altair, we would like to present you with an honorary monk membership for praying with us every so often… with care the four white monk group.

**(Beep)**

22. I've decided that you are now my most hated enemy. You will be defeated. I the hillbilly will kill you. After I learn how to read…..

**(Beep)**

23. I am your Father….wait you're not Luke…..

**(Beep)**

24. Hey I always wondered why I have to wear this stupid bird mask because I'm a doctor. Can you tell me why Altair?

**(Beep)**

25. Yes this is Ubisoft. We are calling to announce that your contract with us is expired and you will not make an appearance in the second game. If you wish to make an appearance please call us as soon as possible.

**(Beep)**

26. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS RUN AWAY WHEN I ASK FOR FOOD?

**(Beep)**

27. Oh yeah the next time you climb a building remember not to get caught.

**(Beep)**

28. I love pumpkins.

**(Beep)**

29. Why is it that when you use eagle vision, everything becomes dark?

**(Beep)**

30. If you are getting this message then you have just one a new balloon. Please pick it up at your local car dealership in twenty days.

Altair walked back to his house and noticed his house was covered in toilet paper and his favorite horse gone. "What the hell?"

He walked inside and listened to his new messages. He was cursing at himself through messages 18 and 19. He then continued to listen to his annoying message. When message 25 came on, his mind went blank. While the last five messages played, he didn't say a word and then finally he snapped. "I WON'T MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN THE SECOND GAME." He yelled and immediately called Ubisoft to make a new contract for a small part of Assassins Creed Two.

**Well here it is. I decided to make each chapter 15 messages long per assassin. Each Assassin will have a total of 100 messages. When Altair is finished I will move onto Ezio and then to Desmond. If I continue to get reviews by the time I'm done with Desmond, then I will make a second story with different assassins. But until then please enjoy.**


	3. Chapter 3

**And since I enjoy writing this so much, here is the third part. WAHOO.**

_Altair's Answering Machine_

After arguing with Ubisoft for the past hour, Altair went outside to go find his horse. After which he then started cleaning off his house all the toilet paper.

**(Beep)**

31. This is Vidic. I need to know where you hid the apple.

**(Beep)**

32. This is Lucy and well Desmond is …_no Desmond you can't jump off the building_… like I was saying Desmond is…no _there is no hay barrel on the street_…

**(Beep)**

33. HAHAHA Assassin. I finally know how to read. And I the hillbilly will come after you in the next few days. Your first attempt for killing me didn't work. Pushing me off a building will never work HAHAHA.

**(Beep)**

34. Wait if everything is permitted. Then can I come and raid your fridge?

**(Beep)**

35. Is Al Mualim running?…than you better go catch him *giggles*

**(Beep)**

36. Is Rodrigo Borgia in the can?…than you better open it and let him out *laughs*

**(Beep)**

37. I'll be back… wait no scratch that. I won't be back.

**(Beep)**

38. Hello? Anyone home?

**(Beep)**

39. I WANT MY APPLE? RAWR

**(Beep)**

40. Altair…you got me Pregnant.

**(Beep)**

41. Yeah sorry about the toilet paper so to apologize I stole your sword and gave you $10,000 for it.

**(Beep)**

42. How the hell did you get my Mater Sword?

**(Beep)**

43. OMG…actually I have nothing to say. I was just bored.

**(Beep)**

44. Hey have you seen my pumpkin. I love pumpkins.

**(Beep)**

45. Assassin…HI!

Altair got back inside and listened to his new messages. He looked over to his mantel and saw that his favorite sword that was hung over it was gone. "HE STOLE MY SWORD AND GAVE ME AMERICAN MONEY? AGH" he yelled and then noticed a random sword stuck in the ceiling. He pulls it out and noticed it was the master sword. "How the hell did I get this sword?" he asked himself and left the house looking for the thief that stole his favorite sword.

**Well since I'm enjoying this, I've decided to give the readers the option to post their own ideas on the review page. If you have one you want to post then please do so and if I like it enough. Then I will put it on a future chapter. **

**But until next time on The Official Assassin Hotline. The bored Skeleton, is signing off.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Without further ado, here is part 4**

_Altair's Answering Machine_

So finally finding the thief that stole his sword and giving back the master sword to a boy in green, Altair went home. But what he found was not good. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPEN TO MY HOUSE?" He yelled as he looked upon his whole house demolished to the ground. The only thing that happen to be left standing, is a small table with his phone on it.

**(Beep)**

46. HAHAHA Assassin. This is my revenge for trying to push me off the cliff. I the hillbilly through a giant house party at your house and the end result… well you can see. It blew up and now it is in pieces HAHAHA. But for whatever reason your phone had a magical barrier and didn't blow up when the house exploded. So REVENGE.

**(Beep)**

47. Yo Altair… your house… it is gone.

**(Beep)**

48. Altair do you know how many bananas does it take for a good banana bread recipe?

**(Beep)**

49. Altair that sword you stole back was a cheap knock off from your original. I still have your sword. And what the hell happen to your house. I saw a giant explosion.

**(Beep)**

50. Go…Intergalactic Proton Powered Tentacle Advertising Droid.

**(Beep)**

51. Peanut Butter Jelly Time… Peanut Butter Jelly Time…

**(Beep)**

52. YAY…..The Big Bouncing Inflatable Green Ball.

**(Beep)**

53. THAT'S IT ALTAIR. I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE AND GETTING MY GOD DAMN APPLE BACK

**(Beep)**

54. This is Ubisoft again and uh…. Your contract will not proceed. It was forged and we don't take false signatures. Please call as soon as possible about the next game.

**(Beep)**

55. ….. (Fan girl scream)

**(Beep)**

56. Dear Altair…This is Skeletorian….the author of this story. I just would like to apologize for all the trouble I'm giving you. Please forgive me.

**(Beep)**

57. GO PICKACHU…THUNDERBOLT

**(Beep)**

58. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine….100 hundred here I come.

**(Beep)**

59. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. Now I know my abc's why not next time you sing with me. ALTAIR your join now YAY….

**(Beep)**

60. …This story is brought to you by… Boredom Studios Production.

So after all the messages you would think that Altair could handle any situation. But like me…we were all wrong. Altair picked up his phone and called Ubisoft for an appointment, he then went after the thief and got his real sword back, and finally…Using his sword Altair performed a crazy stunt to push every hillbilly off the map and into an ocean until he found the leader. "PLEASE DON"T KILL ME." Altair looked at the fool in disgust. "You set your fate." And with that Altair grabbed the Hillbilly and literally through him out of the Assassins creed world and into a different video game. Never to be seen again.

**Well here is part 4. I would like to apologize. I know that this is supposed to be a Assassins Creed story. But I'm running out of ideas. So I try my best to think of many funny things to put into the story. So enjoy.**


	5. Chapter 5

**And once again here is the next part in the Assassin hotline.**

_Altair's Answering Machine_

Last time we found out how horrible Altair can be when he gets mad. He had made the accursed hillbilly gone forever. So now we find Altair going through his house looking for anything of importance in the wreckage. He found his favorite weapons and he unplugged his telephone. And he began walking towards a new house that he was going to live in. But magically the telephone was still working and received messages along the way.

**(Beep)**

61. Dear Altair… this is the hillbilly from another dimension. I would like to thank you for not killing me and so when you get to your new house I have given you a present.

**(Beep)**

62. ¿Usted habla inglés?

**(Beep)**

63. I'm Alex Trebek and this is Jeopardy.

**(Beep)**

64. There's the snap and the kick is good. Three points to the Giants.

**(Beep)**

65. Muori col tuo orgoglio, per quanto vale… Requiescat in Pace

**(Beep)**

66. The force is strong with this one.

**(Beep)**

67. Altair why doesn't your video games have their own original theme song? Every other game I played does.

**(Beep)**

68. It time to du-du-du-du-du-due- DUEL

**(Beep)**

69. Rain-rain go away. Come back sometime other day.

**(Beep)**

70. Why is it harder to run away from a guard then battle one?

**(Beep)**

71. Altair why the color white? I mean black is just as good. Wearing a white uniform makes it easier to spot and you can get major blood stains on it.

**(Beep)**

72. The world is ending. Vidic got pregnant. AHHHHHH

**(Beep)**

73. By the way…Desmond and Lucy are getting married. Are you coming to the wedding?

**(Beep)**

74. Pickles.

**(Beep)**

75. It's the final countdown.

And so Altair got to his new home and found the hillbilly sending him a brand new stallion. "Awe sweet a new horse." He said and opened up his new front door. He plugged the phone into the socket and found messages. "How the hell do I keep getting messages when this thing was unplugged?" He almost yelled but left it alone and went to bed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone, remember me? Yeah I know I haven't updated and I'm sorry. I just couldn't think of anything else so now that the new game has been out, I have some new ideas. So without further ado, to the assassin hotline.**

Last time we found Altair having so many weird messages. And over the course of months, he died and never returned. So the magical telephone has been left over the years and eventually…

"Hey look a telephone." Ezio Auditore said as he picked it up. "I better get this installed right away." And he walks off.

_Ezio's Answering Machine_

**(Beep)**

1. (Fan girl's mega screams)…

**(Beep)**

2. Thank god Skeletorian got his lazy ass up.

**(Beep)**

3. Oh my gosh, you killed Kenny. You bastard!

**(Beep)**

4. So Ezio, how about a tour of Rome?

**(Beep)**

5. Hey can I join your assassin order?

**(Beep)**

6. Ezio you're a boss.

**(Beep)**

7. We are going on a safari….its safari time

**(Beep)**

8. Why Rome? Why not somewhere else?

**(Beep)**

9. Damn you Ezio! I stabbed Lucy because of you!

**(Beep)**

10. I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes….saying ayo….where's the mayo?

And as soon as Ezio plugged in that phone, his fate was sealed. "Wow my first 10 messages. Oh I can't wait."

**Hope you enjoyed.**


	7. Chapter 7

And after listening to his first 10 messages, Ezio became so excited that he had to run around Rome screaming to everyone about his magical telephone.

_Ezio's Answering Machin_

**(Beep)**

1. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.

**(Beep)**

2. Does switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? Can Ezio Auditore assassinate a man in two seconds flat?

**(Beep)**

3. it's like a taco, inside a taco, within a Taco bell, that's inside a KFC, within a mall, that's inside your brain…

**(Beep)**

4. And now your consolation prize: The Krabby Patty Formula

**(Beep)**

5. Ezio… what's up?

**(Beep)**

6. Katamari Damacy

**(Beep)**

7. Power Rangers…GO!

**(Beep)**

8. Transformers….more than meets the eye.

**(Beep)**

9. What idiot hides the apple in a giant flame in a courtyard? *cough* Rodrigo*cough*

**(Beep)**

10. Red Bull…gives you wings.

And so after, defeating Cesare Borgia, Ezio went home and listened to his messages.

**(A.N. So just to give a heads up, I don't know how long I can continue this mini story. Honestly, it's getting old. So please forgive me, if this story is discontinued.)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello all my fans, I know I said that I might end the story…well it is still a possibility. However, due to me reading old reviews, I had an epiphany. **

It has been well over a month now and Ezio had began to notice that getting back to his messaging machine and listening to thousands of messages he would receive would become troublesome. Trying to listen to 100 messages in a day would not work. After all, Ezio had a plan.

_Ezio's Answering Machine_

**(Beep)**

*Thank you for calling Ezio's answering Machine. Ezio is unavailable right now; if you leave your name and number he will come back and assassinate you when he returns. Thank You.*

If you wish to leave a message, press 1.

If you want English, press 2.

If you want Italian, press 3.

If you have some other none Assassins Creed related message, press 4.

If you are a templar, press *Control F-U*

Or press 5 for more options

**(Beep)**

1. (*4*) Wow Ezio, good job creating the new system. Now you won't need to be bothered by annoying people like me!

**(Beep)**

2. (*1*) Ezio! Leonardo Davinci had created more war machines and these amazing Cup Cakes!

**(Beep)**

3. (*F-u*) Damn you Ezio. I knew you would create something like this for the templar's. I promise you once I've eaten my apple, that you will pay!

**(Beep)**

4. (*5*) Here are more options:

*Press 6 for more options*

*Press 7 for more options*

*Press 8 for even more options*

**(Beep)**

5. (*2*) Welcome to English. Our first lesson: Letters!

**(Beep)**

6. (*3*) Benvenuto in italiano. La nostra prima lezione: Google Translator

**(Beep)**

7. (*4*) Soulja Boy!

**(Beep)**

8. (*4*) Time for the Algorithm March

**(Beep)**

9. (*4*) Ezio's pregnant…WHAT!

**(Beep)**

10. (*1*) Hey Ezio, I can't wait for the new game to come out. Can't you move time foreword or something.

And so, Ezio's message count was now in 6 different categories so that he wouldn't have 100 messages all at once. He just now has to pick which category he wants to listen to first.

**(A.N. For those who don't understand, the (* *) represents the category option.)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Well what do you know, I have an update. But sadly it is the final update. I have completely lost all my ideas after this. I do hope that everyone who had read this enjoyed it.**

It has been now many more years since the installation of Ezio's ingenious call back system. However, it ended up failing. He was overwhelmed with so many messages that he couldn't take it anymore. So on one of his adventures, he took his answering machine and through it into a river never to be seen again.

_Hundreds of years later._

"Hey Desmond. Go see Lucy apparently she has found an artifact that belonged to Altair and Ezio." Shawn said as he went back to work studying whatever he was doing.

And so it begins once more for the final time. Desmond retrieves the ancient telephone and plugged it in. And amazingly, it already had 10 new messages on it.

_Desmond's Answering Machine_

(Beep)

1. YAY! About damn time we got to Desmond. Thank you Skeletorian!

(Beep)

2. Desmond what you doing! You stabbed Lucy.

(Beep)

3. And if you answer correctly! You win a new piece of Bubble Gum

(Beep)

4. Hey Digimon! Hey Digimon! Champions of the digital world

(Beep)

5. Light Bright making things with light! Oh what a sight making things with Light Bright!

(Beep)

6. If it was called Brotherhood. Why would there be female assassins. That should be called: Assassin's Creed Sisterhood. But that would sound weird. TEEHEE

(Beep)

7. Bleep Bloop you just won an achievement. And no jumping off a giant red flag is definitely not like an eagle.

(Beep)

8. Desmond I'm surprised you're not with Lucy yet. And now apparently you will be stuck in the animus for the rest of your life. You are just horrible

(Beep)

9. Anyone who receives this telephone. PLEASE destroy it. –from Altair

(Beep)

10. Anyone who has heard the last message. PLEASE do it. –from Ezio

And so being way smarter than his ancestors, Desmond does the most logical thing to any phone/cell phone. He drops it on the floor, the batter falls out, and then he takes the battery and puts a hole through it with his hidden blade. The messages were deleted and all was good.

And so what did we learn everyone? NEVER-EVER pick up strange telephones.

**And this concludes as the final chapter of the Assassins Answering Machine. I hoped everyone enjoyed it. Until I think of another comedy about Assassins Creed again….Skeletorian is out.**


	10. Bonus Chapter

**SURPRISE! Yes, I Skeletorian have returned to the Assassin's Creed world with a Bonus Chapter! (But this still does not change the fact the story has ended.) *CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T PLAYED REVELATIONS***

_Bonus Chapter: Answering Machine Revelations_

"Juno I did not know you were still up." Minerva says approaching her friend. Juno turns slightly towards Minerva with a smirk.

"Yes Minerva, I have been secretly making a telephone that would cause great annoyance to whoever owns it." Juno says as the telephone was finished. _'I only hope that it does not fall into the hands of one of our descendants.' _And with that remaining thought, Juno puts in 10 messages into the answering machine and places it next to the Apple.

A week later Adam and Eve _'accidentally'_ dropped the magical phone out a window while stealing the apple.

(Beep)

1. Its funny how a _Revelation_ is to reveal all things to conclude a story. But no, Ubisoft had to put another damn cliffhanger at the end of another great game.

(Beep)

2. Seriously Ezio. You could not have said _Wee_ once at all while riding on one of those zip lines. Tsk tsk

(Beep)

3. Updated weapons, better Eagle Vision, 50 year old man running up and down buildings. And now the ability to slow down time when fighting the last enemy in a brawl. What can't you do Ezio?

(Beep)

4. I have come to the conclusions that Older Assassins are ten times better than Younger Assassins. Altair walks into Masayaf squad deep and takes backs everything that was stolen from him. Altair is most certainly a boss.

(Beep)

5. I feel like that I'm playing 'bloons tower defense' when I have to defend against invading templars from my dens.

(Beep)

6. Was it just me or did subject 16's voice sounded different in the truth videos in early games?

(Beep)

7. OMG for once I don't have to look for millions of feathers. Now let's find glowing orb memories. WHATS THE DIFFERENCE!

(Beep)

8. Hook Blade? Please, Ezio climbed grand scale buildings with a single glove. If anything it's a mock to his climbing ability.

(Beep)

9. Wow for once, the secret isn't new armor. It's a dead body in a giant room. How astonishing.

(Beep)

10. Ezio would make a great singer if he could play that instrument better. Listen closely enough and you can hear him making fun of the Borgia in Rome.


End file.
